You know what it means to feel like an alien. Interestingly enough, not all “aliens” do. Have you thought for a long time – secretly –  that you must have fallen to earth (like David Bowie)? What if you were not strange or quirky? What if you were simply a normal, extra-ordinary human being?

There are two kinds of people living on planet Earth: those who have never felt like an alien – and those who did. The latter are a small minority. Most of them learned the art of camouflage. No one would guess. Like the character played by David Bowie in The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976).

What if ‚gifted‘ looked different than you think

There are several reasons why an individual may feel like an alien. Of course it has to do with the sense of not belonging, of feeling different, of not understanding the (secret, unspoken) codes of conduct.

One reason – that may or may not be true for you reading this article – is that Gifted or Bright Adults function in a certain way that is quite far off the “norm”. If they were never detected as children – which is true for the vast majority in European countries – they may miss this piece of information about themselves with more or less tremendous consequences.

One main reason why I write articles on this blog is that I want more people to know and understand what “giftedness” is — and what being “gifted and talented”, as it’s called in the UK, is not.

Facts are needed, not stereotypes and prejudice.

I wish to educate people I love and anyone else who might be concerned (hello, paediatricians, general practitioners, educators, school psychologists, psychiatrists, headmasters of schools, and the list could go on).

Fact number one: Gifted is not better — just different!

For several years, I have been preoccupied with the question, „How to find a middle path between informing without insisting or imposing?“

The awareness of what’ giftedness‘ actually means – which I learned at the tender age of 45 – changed my perspective about myself, my past, my choices and the path forward in many ways.

Several friends, family members, or acquaintances vehemently excluded the possibility that the topic could concern them when I dared to point it out. Women especially cringe at the idea – while thinking it is possible for one of their children or their spouse.

This reminds me of the article I’m Not Gifted, I’m Just Busy! by Linda Kreger Silverman.

The Gifted Woman Gap

These women are not to blame. You are neither. Nor am I.

Linda Silverman’s article begins: „Why is it that we, as women, find the term “gifted” distasteful, and no matter how many degrees, credentials, positions of leadership we attain, or accolades we receive, we cannot comfortably call ourselves “gifted women”? I believe this is because, historically, only men could be gifted.“

Fact number two: We live in a patriarchal world.

Unfortunately, it’s still “normal” in today’s world that all of us are enacting, enforcing and facing generalized as well as many subtle gender biases. Most of us must become either aware of them or actively work to diminish their devastating impact on our daily lives.

Furthermore, in Swiss and many European cultures, all related to standing out or being part of a (real or perceived) elite is smelly. The latter reminds us of past horrors that happened in the last centuries concerning theories of superiority and unacceptable suffering culminating in genocides. I’m the first to agree that all this should remain very present in our collective and individual memories…

Therefore, the concept of gifted triggers in most people’s perceptions the idea of a danger zone! The spontaneous reaction is: don’t touch! (These are just two reasons why this happens; there are others.)

Prevailing stereotypes and prejudice around ‚giftedness‘

Many intrinsic and wrong ideas circulate around intelligence, talent and giftedness. I had previously encountered opposition and negative reactions when addressing the concept of Extra Intelligent People XIP. I have learned the hard way (!) to leave it at that if people are not interested in discussing it. In this interview with Willem Kuipers about Ximension, we discussed what meeting your peers looks like and why people may not want to be considered an XIP.

When people who are obviously gifted from what I now know tell me about their troubles or concerns, I sometimes wonder if I should try once again to tell them that the topic might be interesting to explore (as it might be for you, dear reader).

Another thing I’d like to stress is that there is much more to knowing thyself — and finding ways to share one’s brightness and brilliance with the world — than understanding the concept of giftedness which is just one aspect of an uncommonly intelligent person.

My job is not to convince others who don’t want to hear about it that exploring the subject might be interesting and important for them. However, if you have felt like an alien in the past, I strongly invite you to read on.

When you feel like an alien

What can be done if you have felt like an alien for a long time and now know that this feeling was linked to the ignorance of your extra intelligence and intensity?

And if you are quite sure that someone you care about might be “an alien” as well?

It’s simply a question of trial and error, I guess. As so often in life. Writing this article makes me feel a bit less alien because it reminds me of the fact that there are millions of Gifted Adults on planet Earth – and that they all come from very different planets and galaxies while being all profoundly human, too.

Fact number three: Most Bright Adults ignore that they are gifted.

Most Bright Adults (depending on the definition 2-5% of the population) don’t know about the ‚gifted‘ part. After finding out about myself, I told several friends that they certainly were ‚gifted‘ too. Some simply dismissed it, others told me to, „Come off your high horse“. In other words, they invited me to stop acting like I was better than others and to stop being arrogant or haughty.

Today I know how to deal with this better. And I prefer to write about the topic so people like you who really want to know more about the topic can find information that hopefully helps them to understand and love themselves better for who they are and show them a way to acknowledge their extra-ordinariness.

I addressed the very interesting question, „Am I arrogant“? before.

What is giftedness?

In another article with the title „What is giftedness“ (which is a very vast — and among experts also rather controversial — topic), Linda Silverman writes:

„Gifted children and adults see the world differently because of the complexity of their thought processes and their emotional intensity. People often ask them, “Why do you make everything so complicated?” “Why do you take everything so seriously?” “Why is everything so important to you?” The gifted are “too” everything: too sensitive, too intense, too driven, too honest, too idealistic, too moral, too perfectionistic, and too much for other people! Even if they try their entire lives to fit in, they still feel like misfits.“

Click here to access video resources and learn more about Linda Silverman.

Fact number four: Gifted Adults know how much they don’t know

Most ‚gifted‘ people have one thing in common: they know perfectly well that, after all, they are not that intelligent.

They don’t feel superior at all.

Some think their achievements are due to their effort and perseverance, not talents or intelligence. On the contrary, others may feel inadequate, not fitting anywhere or not living up to their standards and ideals.

Intelligence manifests in different ways. Part of it can be measured, and part cannot. Part may show and give results outwardly, and part is a purely personal, internal experience.

What distinguishes people with extraordinary perception and cognitive capacities (probably, again, not all of them), however, is their grasp of how little they know and how ignorant they are…

Possible turbulences if you don’t feel like an alien

I have quite a few extra-intelligent friends who never felt like an alien. For example, if you have found a matching life partner or spouse early on and/or work that gives you joy and meaning, aka if you are thriving and have found a way to contribute to making this world a better place, you don’t have to care…

Fact number five: Different feels normal in a family of aliens.

All may be ‚fine‘… until maybe one of your children starts having trouble at school or in the neighbourhood. This can look like this — I’m taking examples from people I know personally:

• Your girl (8) is being bullied by the kids from the block who don’t wait for her as agreed upon to walk to school. The girl (a cheerful, sunny child that just got detected as ‘bright’) feels desperate and cries in the evening, saying to her mother, „I don’t know what is going on; they promised to wait and let me down once again.“
• You wonder why the marks, and more importantly, the motivation of your boy (9) dropped massively after he changed teachers. My friend inquired and found out that the former teacher let him do certain things in a corner, away from the others, which allowed him to concentrate and be less distracted by all he picked up from his environment, which was not the case anymore as the new teacher insisted to „treat everyone the same“ (this is a BIG issue in Swiss schools).
• Your boy (10) has become very reluctant to go to school. After investigating, he admitted to his mom that he is bored and lacks challenges. A discussion between the parents and the headmaster of the school to explore possibilities turned out badly and didn’t lead anywhere.
• Your girl (11) has been diagnosed with ADHD. You get showered with advice, and certain therapies and approaches bring her relief. Martial arts training supports her self-confidence and helps her to keep bullying at school at bay. When her mother finds out (through being in contact with me) that she might be gifted, this changes how she looks at things.
• Your girl (14) was diagnosed with a mental health disorder. During therapy, it turns out that the girl is not challenged at school. The parents have found a private school in the meantime and hope that a different educational environment might help their daughter – she has not been tested yet but is probably ‚twice exceptional‘ or 2E (see below).
• Your boy (15) has just been diagnosed with dyslexia. His mother told me he had „learning difficulties“ and had to „try very hard“ but managed to get into High School. (I guess he is 2E; many bright kids use their smarts to compensate.)

The literature provides many examples of what might happen if the Bright Child lacks an environment that helps to meet her or his needs. They may start disturbing the classroom or acting out (more common among boys, as cultural standards expect girls to be nice and blend in).

Fact number six: Some gifted children are misdiagnosed

Some gifted children show behaviours that look like ‚attention deficits‘ or ‚mood shifts‘ that may be wrongly labelled as pathologies. If they are misdiagnosed and therefore wrongly medicated and treated, this may harm their mental and physical development massively.

We want thriving children and adults

Fact number seven: Gifted people have special needs.

One aspect is ignored by most educators, medical doctors and therapists: the intellectual and emotional needs are special for most ‚gifted and talented‘ individuals. Depending on the data, this seems to concern 30 to 60% of the GAT kids; studies show that about a third of the gifted minority seems to bloom (but the numbers are usually small, and the samples of ‘gifted’ children only contain the ‘bright’ ones who were perceived as ‘smart’ or ‘high performing’ and consequently tested).

All GAT children and adults certainly need enough and more than average challenging stimulation; ideally, they can learn at their own pace, immerse themselves in their favourite topics and learn from peers who may be several years older than themselves. Furthermore, those individuals who are Highly Sensitive Persons who are also very empathic (take the official HSP test for yourself or your child here) need possibilities to withdraw so they can avoid overstimulation.

There is another important concept I can only mention and will explain further in other articles: these children are out of sync with their peers. See Stephanie Tolan’s Out Of Sync: Essays of Giftedness. They show different levels of development on the physical, intellectual, social, and emotional levels… (This is the alien thing; it started early in our lives—do you remember now???)

I advocate that EVERY child has the right to thrive.

Our education systems certainly try to achieve this. However, if values like inclusion and equal treatment are judged to be more important than expression of individual potential, and if a majority of educators shy away from the possibility that there are super smart kids who need different treatment, this may create havoc among the minority of bright girls and boys.

Children who have to function in an environment that does not match their needs may get not just miserable but ill.

It makes me sad that in practice, in my home country, Switzerland, kids usually only get tested for giftedness after they cause trouble (more often boys than girls) or are in trouble, like dropping results or battling with mental health issues.

Fact number eigth: Some gifted children are not detected

You must also know that there are children (and adults!) who are so-called ‚twice exceptional‘ or 2E. They are ‚gifted‘ and have at the same time ADD/ADHD, dyslexia, depression, an eating disorder or Autistic Spectrum Disorder, to name a few examples. Most healthcare and educational experts are ignorant of these overlapping issues. If 2E children are not detected as having special abilities and challenges to overcome, they (and their families) may suffer greatly.

I hope (and trust) that this article will spark interest and much more in other ‚aliens‘ here on planet Earth… Thanks so much for reading. To your brilliant life.

Post scriptum: Today, in 2024, I don’t feel like an alien anymore. This has shifted two years ago. Once you get the aspects of the label “gifted” and have integrated this new way of looking at your past, yourself, and the world and people around you, things get really better and easier. And it becomes obvious: you are truly human. Once you acknowledge and understand the various ways that you are extra intelligent, you can use your gifts effectively for the greater good and lead a flourishing life.

I wish you a wonderful journey!

I hope (and trust) that this article will spark interest in other aliens and the many other inhabitants of planet Earth… Thanks so much for reading. To your brilliant life.

Please share this article with family and friends to dispel prejudice and help others who may or may not feel like an alien thrive rather than survive.

This article was written in July 2019 and last revised in July 2024

Picture : watercolour painting by Patty Muffins (painting is a brilliant way for her to process emotions and channel her drive)